"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." -Woody Allen
Timing is a funny thing. For the past year I have been trying to focus on myself so that I could forget about myself. I have been exploring what makes me happy......being with my kids, nurturing friendships, cherishing my marriage, enjoying my hobbies. I have been taking time to reflect......improving myself, appreciating my flaws, understanding those around me. I have been preparing for a return to the working world......letting go of guilt, not sweating the small stuff, prioritizing what's important.
I have used the last year to embrace the small moments in my childrens lives that I feared I would miss, had I been working. It has been a phenomenal year and as the school year approaches I have really tried to absorb every ounce of "freedom" that has been gifted to me. By taking the year to focus on who I am, I have been given a newfound sense of self that I hope allows me to continue forward with a better understanding of my needs versus my wants. This sounds very juvenile, I understand, but I'm not talking the materialistic want of a pair of designer jeans versus the need for a pair that fits. I'd like to think I'm not that shallow. I wanted to find the balance of - want versus need - in relation to the well-being of my family. Do I need to tuck my child in every night to feel like a good parent, or do I want to because I enjoy it? Do I need to run that last mile for health's sake (or sanity's sake) or do I want to run it for the sense of accomplishment that it brings? In every task that I have done I have tried to think about why I am doing it so I can rid myself of the guilt that often accompanies choosing to do one thing over another. I am horrible at saying, "no" to things, and I oftentimes get overwhelmed by taking on more than I probably should. However, more often then not, I prefer taking the extra load as opposed to the guilt of letting someone down. With my return to work I am hopeful that by better understanding my needs and my wants I can prioritize life in a way that my working world and family world can live in harmony. Do I need to grade papers every night? Probably not, but I want to so that I don't fall behind. Do I need to tuck my children in every night? Yes. It calms me to know the details of their days and sets my night up to be more relaxing and productive.
The reason I stop to reflect on all of this is because I have just started reading what will probably be my last book of leisure before I head back to work in 2 short weeks and, ironically, it is the book, "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. I have wanted to read this book for awhile but between book club picks and Spanish novels I have just gotten around to it. Timing is funny like that. I am hopeful that it will bring me one step closer to removing the guilt that accompanies the balance of home and school and help me better categorize need vs. want so I can lighten the load.
2 comments:
I am really excited to discus this book with you. I really liked the author's honesty throughout. I'm excited for you to begin the school year. We're already challenging each other for the BEST YEAR YET! :)
Last year at school was my first full year of teaching post baby. I will tell you now that little to none came home. Yes, at times I felt behind, but I made all my deadlines. I have totally decided that the school work will get done, but the family life will always be #1. We can have it all, but not ALL at exactly the same time. I hope this makes sense, and I think we should get together for lunch or something. I know time is running out before work, but maybe lunch when we have in-service??
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