Granting permission

We've been lucky that winter usually holds some pretty fun events to get us through the dark, short days of the season. We've had work parties, Mardi Gras, Dancing with the Saints, birthday parties...we do a good job of getting "date nights" in during the winter. When the busyness of summer hits, it's a bit harder to find time just the two of us. I've posted before about how I don't feel like a date night is a necessity for Mark or I as we both prefer a night in, on the couch, with a good movie, and a pint or two (or in the summer a different kind of pint outside around the fire pit while the girls sleep). Lately, however, I've come to really have to work at nights out.

Each time I find myself having fun and throwing my so-to-speak 'inhibitions to the wind' it seems to always be followed up by someone commenting on how "it's so good to see us smiling and having fun" or my favorite, "you're both so strong, I wouldn't be able to leave my couch." These comments that are meant in compliment, leave guilt rushing over me. How can I have fun when I just buried my son? How can I leave my other children at home with a babysitter when I know first-hand the preciousness of each moment I am allowed with them?

I try to remind myself the difference between joy and happiness and on the days where happiness doesn't find me, I try really hard to find it. The "choose joy" ring on my finger serves multiple purposes. It reminds me that though Will's time here is over, my time is not. Though most days I struggle to get out of bed (much less function as a socially responsible adult and mother), Will taught me the value of a day. He did not waste his days here, so I can't either. I am serving no one but myself by laying in bed sulking.

I miss him. I struggle to leave the house, but I also struggle to be there. I have taken for granted what it is like to feel comfortable. I feel like I have to grant myself permission to have fun and give myself pep talks on why I should go places or be social with people. I used to be able to squeeze 25 hours out of a 24 hour day and now even the simplest of tasks take weeks to complete. Email, texts or any other social platform is hard for me to tackle. I know how ridiculous that seems, but they have become sources of huge anxiety for me as the more I avoid them, the more they accrue. I look forward to when we all settle into our new lifestyle and I can feel productive again. Until then...