Just say no.

We're out of toilet paper at our house. This has never happened before. I'm not sure how most households function, but for our house, this is a sign that we have hit rock bottom.  I would go out and get some instead of blogging, but I'm currently snuggled on the couch next to a puker that is being very needy. Not that I blame her...she makes Casper look sunburnt.

I haven't blogged for a while because time has taken on a whole new meaning lately. The words 'efficient' and 'organized' used to bring me joy. I loved the, "work smarter, not harder" philosophy. Stress used to push me into productivity. Emotion would motivate me to do my best. However, all of these statements are written in the past tense. Stress and emotion together have all but paralyzed me lately. I am trying to work smart, I am trying to work hard, but I am getting no where. My head is foggy, my thoughts are incessant, my body is tired.

Though I have always prided myself on being a person who says 'yes,' my body is telling me 'no.' I have hit my limit. I'm thankful that I have noticed it, but saddened by the limitation. I have nothing left to give. May will be a month full of "no." I just can't muster up the energy. The [ever-so-kind] people that sold our information to companies after we birthed and buried Will have sent enough mail, statistics, ratios and indicators to help me realize that we triggered the last stressor in our lives that we can safely manage.

We work hard to ensure that the stress in our lives is only slightly self-inflicted. However, we can't control death, we can't control illness, we can't control the physical and emotional needs of others. I took the stress indicator test that our bereavement coordinator sent a while back which included stress caused by situations outside of your control...0 meaning the stress you feel is self-inflicted (i.e. over-involvement, inability to say no, unrealistic expectations, etc). 300+ meaning that the stress in your life stems from outside stimuli that is beyond control (death, illness, etc). Scoring 300 puts you at an 80% increased risk of health breakdown in the next 2 years. We scored a 344. We no longer have the freedom to self-inflict stress, as life has given us too many other worries. It's time to dial back. I'm sorry if you are the recipient of 'no' during the month of May, but the scales have tipped, and unfortunately not in our favor. I'm working hard to remind myself that "no" is a complete sentence and that people can say no without having to explain, apologize or justify their reasoning. May will be focused on being at peace with the fact that for a while I have to scale back on what I can manage and if this is all I have to give, it goes first and foremost to my family.