Kairos

This past weekend I spent on a four day retreat with about 40 of my students. Though I was invited along so that I could assist with the retreat, I selfishly agreed to go because I thought it would be a relaxing retreat for me as well. I've been working pretty hard to keep myself busy since Will passed away and I was pretty nervous to have time to sit in silence and just be. That's really hard for me lately. However, being with teens made it easy to sneak out early before they were awake and capture views like this on my morning runs so I could try to focus myself for the day ahead.

Such a beautiful sunrise over the water.

The retreat was uncomfortable and awkward and probably everything I needed to push myself out of my comfort zone and contemplate things that I have been avoiding putting much thought into. Small things get me like updating photos of the girls after their birthdays, knowing that I can't update Will's. Big things like working part-time vs. full-time or moving out of the only home that has ever (and will ever) house our complete family of 6 are even worse. From our marriage, to how I parent the girls, to how I am taking care of myself...silence leaves you time to contemplate it all. It was a hard weekend, but I needed the silence. I needed to know that I'm okay in quiet and that I don't need to fill every moment to avoid getting to know the new me. The new me is pretty okay. Though she's more emotional, exhausted and disorganized...she's also more empathetic, open-minded and patient. And if I've learned anything over the past year, it's to focus on the positive and not dwell on the negative.