New house

We're in! I can't explain what a blessing this move has been. It's nothing like I had planned and everything that we needed. Though it looks huge, we actually downsized. One less room to clean, one less shower to scrub and less yard to mow...how awesome. The neighborhood is wonderful. We have no neighbors behind us so we have an incredible sense of privacy, yet we have fantastic neighbors that are fun to hang out with and the girls love to play with. 

There are so many updates I can't wait to share here, but all in time. For right now, I want to remember the struggle that it was deciding if to move or not and the relief that it has been that we made the right decision. We loved our last house and neighborhood. It was painful to leave it. I felt like we were leaving behind friends, memories, moments. It is no secret that we were looking for a new house before we had Will. With crazy schedules and full-time jobs being close to our work and school was an important time saver that would allow us more time as a family. However, not knowing what might await us with Will; medical bills, not working full time and uncertainty kept us from pulling the trigger. Once Will was born we were thrilled we had the chance to completely immerse him into our lives. But after he left, the girls refused to go into his room and his cries still echoed in the halls. We couldn't bear to pack up his things. This move was much more than a convenience. It was a necessity. We had a reason to pack his things, beyond just the fact that he was gone. We had a reason to change our patterns, beyond just that we were adjusting. We had a reason to start new, and it cushioned the judgments that we were "moving on" so soon. 

What I love is that this new house is filled with Will. His pictures are on the walls, his presence can still be felt and we see him in the joy all around us. He has a garden of his very own, a tree in his honor and all of the same love we felt for him at the old house. When we moved, he came with us. It is so hard to explain, but while the Will that we lost came with us, the "us" that we lost did not. Our fears, our sleeplessness and nightmares, our triggers, those things didn't make the move. I no longer hear his cries and have to remind myself it's all in my head, it's not really him. Not once have I awoken standing in his room wondering where he is or what I'm doing in there. The girls don't fear any rooms in our house and are okay with being alone in their own space.  A simple change of pattern and simple change of space was all that was needed. 

Though the heartache will be carried for the rest of our days, the crippling moments that questioned reality seem to have left. It is peaceful here. This house has been such a blessing and we are so excited to continue making memories in our new space.