What's in a name?
Grace- in Hebrew meaning "favor" or God's blessing
Emma - from Emmanuel, meaning God with us
Norah - meaning God's shining light
All of our children have names popular in the 1920's that, in turn, have significant meaning to us based on their birth stories. I love this era as, although it came with intense disillusionment, it symbolized prosperity, unprecedented growth, and radical change. Though Americans often refer to this era as, "the roaring twenties" the French refer to the twenties as "annees folles" or "the crazy years." This couldn't have been a more perfect description of not only the strength and growth we wanted for our children, especially trying to raise strong girls...(hello, women's right to vote), but also the craziness that would encompass our lives as we embarked on our new role as parents.
So, no shock that our baby boy will also have a name popular from the 1920's that carries with it great meaning for us. We would like to introduce you to William Everette. The English origin means strong-willed warrior, but my German roots love the language of wil (desire) and helm (protect). William, meaning our strong-willed warrior with a desire to protect.
Usually, Mark and I have kept gender and name under wraps. It was something special that only the two of us shared and, much like the anticipation of giving the perfect gift at Christmas, it made awaiting our newest blessing that much more exciting. Will, however, has been named in our hearts for nearly 10 years. We have known since Grace was born that if we had a boy, his name would be Will, and God knew to hang on to that name for this amazing little boy.
We have decided to share Will with you, as we want you to know him by his name and not some statistic or genetic label. Our doctors have told us that he is "incompatible with life" and "not viable," and have suggested as an option "termination of life." The contradiction of this still leaves us speechless. How, when he is clearly kicking, jabbing, stretching and hiccuping can anyone tell us he is "incompatible with life?" He is the very definition of life. And, the mere suggestion of termination, gives merit to the fact that his life does indeed exist.
Will has given us much joy. Two weeks before I even knew I was pregnant, Norah stopped me to talk to my stomach and say hello to the baby inside. I thought she was crazy, but she knew better. We have celebrated all of the same milestones with Will that we celebrated with the girls. The first time we heard his heartbeat, his first ultrasound, his first kicks...we will continue to celebrate these milestones and we ask that you continue to celebrate with us.
We are uncertain of how much time God will give us with Will. However, His mercy shows through. Will wakes me every morning at 4am with his stretches and hiccups to give us the gift of another day together. It allows me a few hours to celebrate, cry, pray, and hope for the day ahead. Though I'm not proud that my new "normal" is convincing myself that the pain will subside and I have to get out of bed each morning, God sends me the sweet pitter-patter of footsteps - across the hallway, jumping into my bed, to snuggle with me in the warmth of the covers - to remind me that I will find the strength that all 4 of my children need in a mother and the strength that Mark needs in a wife. No doubt, our hearts have been broken. Watching the girls struggle with the pain of knowing they may never play with their brother or trying to answer their questions on life and death is almost unbearable some days. Seeing the hurt in Marks eyes each time someone congratulates him on, 'finally getting that boy' takes the breath right out of me.
My ever-growing belly and our 3 excited girls are an outward sign of the beauty and fragility of life and the comments people share are given with such love and sincerity that we can't help but be thankful through the pain. We are realistic, as only half of babies like Will survive to term and only 10% of those survive the first week of life with it decreasing rapidly from there. However, we are also hopeful, faithful, and believers of miracles. Please pray for our sweet boy. Please pray that we find the strength to make every day into a celebration of how precious life is and that, although we have tears, they are tears of overwhelming love for Will and love for God that He has allowed us to have Will in our lives.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
6 comments:
I am so very sorry to hear this. We, too, lost a precious baby boy. We heard the same words you did - incompatible with life. It takes the breath right out of you. Our little guy had Anencephaly. He went to Heaven at 21 weeks gestation.
Having gone through this ourselves I know there are no "right words" to comfort you. We are praying for you all. The best advice I was given, which I'll pass on to you, is to feel whatever it is you are feeling and don't apologize for it. It's ok to feel angry, ok to feel happy. And the best thing Andy and I did was talk talk talk to each other. Don't keep things bottled up. You two need each other now more than ever. The pain never goes away, you just learn how to live with it. And you will.
Big hugs to you all.
Thank you for your courage sharing stories with us about Will, about your beautiful faithfulness and trust to God even in difficult moments, and about your witness to us about LIFE! You have been in my prayers and will continue being. I look forward to meeting Will Everette soon. (You can't stop me even including hiring a cop to guard at the door :-) ). Once again thank you for your beautiful faith and for standing up for LIFE!!!! I am blessed, honored and humbled that God blessed me with an opportunity to know your family. You are LOVED by this priest! I have so much love for all 6 of you!!! Fr. Vu
God bless you, your family, and most of all Will. I hope it is God's "Will" to let your little boy join you in life outside his current home. :-)
All I can give are hugs, tears, prayers...and these two songs: "victorious" by Rend Collective and "hold my heart" by Tenth Avenue North.
I saw your blog posted on a friend's Facebook page. My husband and I have traveled this road you and your family are traveling now. It is not an easy path but you all will get through this together with God's help. We knew that our daughter Gabrielle Renee` would not survive once she was born. We too were encouraged to terminate to which we said no our baby will live as long as she should. There were times that I as so angry and lost but would always find comfort talking with our God. I found comfort in many ways one of which I am sure you all are doing now is prayer. The prayers that helped me were the, "Our Father", "Hail Mary", and the "Glory Be". I also made the white gown she was to buried in along with a quilt that would be with me. I found it calming to be making something that would be just for her and have a tangle item to touch when ever I needed to touch something connected to her lifetime. Another way we honor her memory is to talk about her (especially on her birthday) because she lived and that life deserves to be honored. Continue to celebrate the milestones, take as many pictures as you can, continue to write about this journey and share with all who will listen. As with our little angel Gabrielle and your William they were sent to us for a special reason by our God.
I pray for courage for you all as you face this most difficult road. I pray for healing for you all. I pray for Will.
With His love,
Lisa-Marie
Jaclyn and Mark, I have read your blog several times over. Having experienced several losses at different stages, I can still vividly recall the day that I went to learn the sex of the baby and found out that he or she was no longer alive. Returning home the next day to three excited boys (9,7 and 5) asking "are we having a sister or another brother?" only to tell them that the baby was needed in heaven was unbearable. Donald and I were crushed and were only able to move forward by our faith and the grace of God. I am so sorry that your sweet William's time will be brief. I am praying for many early morning wake up calls from your little angel and he continues to bless you with kicks and hiccups. I am praying for your continued strength and for your beautiful girls. I am indeed praying for a miracle for nothing is impossible for God. Today we lit a candle after mass and I have called the Poor Clare Monastery in Los Altos Hills, CA where my younger sister is a cloistered Poor Clare. They will all be praying for Will and your family.
We are also offering the Memorare for you: REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
Should you wish to contact them directly, you may do so: http://www.poorclareslosaltos.org/contact-us/
Mark and Michael send their love and prayers. Blessings to your family, Jan
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