Calm during the storm

Will,

This morning around 2:30 we woke up to storms. The girls funneled in one-by-one scared from the wind and hail and sought comfort in the warmth of our covers. Our queen-sized bed knew no limits as all 6 of us snuggled together this morning. As the girls drifted back off to sleep and their breathing became deep and long, I felt like God shouldered our pain for a few hours and let us know that He is as hurt right now as we are.  He knows our journey, our grief, our fear...and while He is perfect, our world is not.

As the storm raged outside, we found peace inside.  Together in the dark, there was a moment when everything felt perfect. As you kicked and stretched, I watched the girls sleep and was overwhelmed by my blessings. We enjoyed the present. We erased the past few weeks of pain, the diagnoses, the doctors visits. We set aside worries of the future, fear of the unknown, and decisions yet to come. We let God shoulder it all and basked in each others love and comfort.

As I lay there, enjoying the calm of the inside, I prayed for all of the women who will never know this moment. The women who pray, if only for a instant, to know what it feels like to carry life. The women who have painstakingly tried to get pregnant, or carry a baby to term, or deliver a healthy baby. These have all been blessings to me and things that I do not take for granted. As saddened as we are that our time may be cut short, I will not dismiss the fact that there are women who, knowing all the pain and grief that may await, still wish they could carry you. The same way that, knowing everything that we now know, we would still choose you over and over again.

I reminded myself to not grieve our potential heartache, but rather celebrate what time we have, as it is still more than I could have ever dreamed. Though it is possible we may not ever get to hold you in our arms, I have held you in my body for 6 months longer than some women will ever get to hold their babies. That, is a precious gift to me. Praying I can continue to hold you for many months to come.