Milkmaid

As I previously wrote, I have held off from posting much on here because for a bit, I lost knowledge of who was actually reading my posts and I wanted to get that back under control. So I have a backlog of posts that perhaps will answer some of the questions I have been receiving. By far, the most curious ones, are on milk sharing.

When Will was born, he was a month early and we were ill-prepared. We found ourselves with this beautiful boy and my body unable to feed him. We knew so little about Will's internal organs that we didn't want to push him to try to digest formula, so we didn't question it when they offered us milk from the milk bank for a few hours until I was able to step in. This post is not an argument for the breast / bottle / formula debate, as I find that argument to be a bit presumptuous. No one can presume to know what is best for someone else's child. It is to say, however, that I have been lucky enough that through 4 children I've never needed to buy formula. Some have a gift for athletics, others for creativity, I have one for milk production.

Fast forward to when Will was eating a 'full' bottle. After 8 weeks, he topped out at 2 oz. It's safe to say that I was far overproducing for his needs. He gave my body the gift to provide something that people are in need of. I have an overabundance, therefore it's my responsibility to share it. Will gave me this gift and without him, it wouldn't be possible, so it's not really my gift to give at all; but his. In a crazy way I feel like the longer I sustain it, the longer he sustains me. Now that he is gone, as long as I pump for another baby...in a way...I get to hang on to my own. The day I stop pumping will be heartbreaking. I'll go through another round of grief as it is one more step away from him. In all honesty, I have never enjoyed pumping. It can be isolating, painful, and monotonous. I often sit and get angry that I am stuck to a machine when I could be marking things off of my to-do list. However, the isolation gives me time to grieve Will. The pain reminds me that just as physical pain is temporary, there is hope that my emotional pain is as well. The monotony of it allows me to escape life for a bit, turn my brain off, and just be.

I found baby Lillian through HM4HB-Iowa. She brightens my day. Though I was assuming I would help a baby that was close in age to Will, instead, I am helping this bright-eyed, chubby-cheeked, 6 month baby girl. This is a beautiful thing, as I can see her pictures and watch her grow and feel joy instead of pain. I struggle seeing baby boys that are Will's age as I immediately think of the milestones we will miss with him or what he could be doing if he were still with us. With baby Lillian, she reminds me of Emma as a baby, and it brings me joy to think of the laughter that may await this family if they are lucky enough to get a kid like Em.  I have shipped off over 1500 ounces. That is 250 bottles that I have been able to provide baby Lillian. Aside from the health benefits, with formula averaging $.20/oz  I feel good knowing this family has saved nearly $300.00. I feel good knowing that Will's life (in a round about way) has helped to sustain Lillian's life. A few years ago, I would have probably shunned the idea of using someone else's milk. Now I see how self-less it is of Lillian's mom to reach out for help and provide her daughter with what she feels is the best choice possible all-the-while helping a mama like me heal knowing she can hang to a small part of her baby just a little bit longer.