November is over. Each November I do a "30 days of thanks" journal to keep things in perspective and make sure that my priorities are still in line with my values. Though something that I should do every day of the year, November is where I make it a priority. This year, I did not. November was really hard. Everyday functions were about all I could manage (thus the lack of blog posts until recently). Amazingly enough, it seemed even harder than last year. Last year the first few weeks were amazing and the last were...well, a bit of a blur. This year, although Will holds a special place in the hearts of many, our hardest days were "just another day" for most people. It was the heartbreak that I knew awaited, but made November feel especially long.
The hardest day for me, ironically, did not fall on his anniversary. It fell a few days prior at our annual Memorial Mass at school. This Mass honors the loved ones of former graduates, teachers and friends of our school and is beautiful each year. I have always walked away from it thankful for these beautiful people yet emotionally depleted remembering former students, co-workers, and friends who have been lost all-to-soon. It is hard to transition from that mindset, back to an academic one. This year was really hard. After a brief stop off in the bathroom to pull myself together after Mass, I screwed on my happy face and dug in. I have never wanted to escape my job so much. No student deserved the teacher I was that day: lackadaisical, apathetic, emotionally drained.
But with the darkness comes the dawn. Out of the blue that day I received a message from my front office to pick up a package. A group of older men from my church had sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers with the message; Where there's a way, there's a Will. It warmed my heart. I barely know these men, yet their message of support found me on one of my darker days. I was so thankful.
After a hard day at school, it made me contemplate taking Will's anniversary off of work since I didn't take his birthday off. I knew, however, keeping busy that day would be better for my head. Instead of following my head though, I followed my heart and my heart led me down the right path. I called in sick and had the time I needed to help one of my girls through one of her harder days. She refused to get out of bed on the 17th. She and I both knew that the date on the calendar was more than just a number and she didn't want to wake up again until that number had changed. I coaxed her out of bed by telling her I would let her skip her first hour of class, and I would skip mine and we would attend Mass together - just the two of us. Hearing the Mass offered up for Will gave us the strength to face the day. He was not forgotten and we would spend the day strong and joyful and loving the life we have been given. We walked over to her school after Mass, ready to take on the day with joy.
Until we hit the main lobby and she stopped walking that is. "My legs won't move" she told me.
I can scold sass talk, I can punish poor behavior, I can handle tantrums like a boss...I have yet to figure out how to parent heartbreak.
I grabbed her hand and one tiny step at a time we made it down the hallway. We counted the stairs as we walked up them and slowly made our way to her classroom. I opened the door and lightly prodded her through. We have this safe, wonderful, and supportive school, yet I felt like I had just fed her to the wolves.
I got back to the car and lost it. I cried for her. I cried for Will. I cried at how hard parenting can be. I knew the best thing for her was to go to school and stay busy. To spread her beautiful, joyful smile to all of those who might also be having a tough day. To be strong and brave in even the hardest of situations. But, I felt like such a hypocrite. I was asking my daughter to do something that even I wasn't willing to do. Face the world on a day when you want nothing more that to hide in the safety of your covers.
Will's anniversary came and went and we persevered. We stayed busy and surrounded ourselves with loved ones. We cherished the rainy day and the fact that it seemed as though God still weeps with us. We looked forward to the next beautiful sunrise and the hope of another day. We ended the day as we do every day...thankful for the blessings we have and praying for the grace to make the most of the blessings that await.
The went down on the 16th with a most beautiful of sunsets and didn't show itself again until the 18th. Even the sun has troubles shining some days...
No comments:
Post a Comment