30 days of thanks

**Sorry, I had no intentions of actually publishing this, so I put it all in one post. I changed my mind and decided to post it so, if you choose to read it...best of luck.**

I take on the "30 days of thanks" challenge each year, but if I'm honest with myself, I do it half-heartedly. Who isn't thankful for their spouse, their children, a roof over their head? So I thought I would try to be a little more mindful of my 30 days this year and focus on things that I most take for granted or don't stop to really reflect on.

Day 1: I am thankful for hugs. I am not a hugger. I come from a family of non-huggers. Until the last year or two, unless you were my husband or my child, hugging was rather forced and awkward. However, a few years ago I went on a retreat with some of my high-schoolers, struggled through their weird need to hug, and have grown to rather enjoy it. Since, I have learned that there are some amazing huggers out there. My friend Makenzie gives the most sincere, intentional hugs of about anyone I know. My friend Michele, professional hugger. My sisters boyfriend...he has perfected his hugs as well. Today, I found someone to rival them. I snuck into school today to attend mass and my principal gave me the most genuine, reassuring hug I think I have ever experienced. It's not a big deal. But it's a really big deal.

Day 2: I am thankful for all 5 senses. After taking a car ride yesterday, we needed to lay low today and recover from our big outing. Will didn't want to be put down today, so I happily snuggled my little man, read him lots of books, and pretended like I didn't see the state that our house is in right now. I took in every powdery fresh smell I could, caressed his velvety soft skin and sought comfort in the warmth that came from his hot, sweet breath on my neck as he slept. As I listened to his quiet little snores, I was thankful that I could absorb a little bit of all of him today.

Day 3: I am thankful for mindless conversation. My mom was up to visit today and we said a whole lot of nothing and a whole lot of everything all at the same time. I wish everyone could understand what that's like, because having free-flowing conversation that doesn't take any effort is something I have always taken for granted. I have a lot of social anxiety right now for some reason and sometimes when I play back the conversation I just had in my head, I almost laugh at how all over the place I am. I am hopeful once sleep comes back into our lives again I'll be able to have coherent conversations again and actually remember what was discussed.

Day 4: I am thankful for being allergy free. So many of our friends and family members struggle with food allergies. I take for granted that I don't have to read labels or fear what my children are eating. I can't imagine the concern that enters the minds of parents with children with severe food allergies as they send them off to school or birthday parties. We have been so blessed to be the recipient of a meal train and we have had some of the most fantastic meals dropped off at our house. It has been a wonderful opportunity to have more time as a family as we're not doing meal prep, but also to try new things and have some new meal ideas. So thankful for food and the fact that we can eat it all! :)

Day 5: I am thankful for exercise. As the soccer season came to a close today, I felt thankful it was over as we have a little too much on our plate right now. However, as I have spent most of my hours the past month carrying out a rather sedentary lifestyle, I feel my legs aching to move. I haven't been able to run around and play with the girls the way we usually do. I am thankful that they are a part of organized sports so that they have outside opportunities to run off some steam. I am thankful that my legs are craving a little run as it's a reminder that I'm healthy and able. I'm sure once I get back to running, my lungs will disagree, but for the time being I am thankful that the girls all have had soccer to keep them busy and have a basketball season ahead of them to look forward to.

Day 6: I am thankful for the extra hour. Though part of me wished it was an extra hour of sleep, last night it was an extra hour with Will and I'll take all the hours I can get with that little guy. The hour was spent snuggling him as he took a bottle in the quiet dark of our room. I love the still of our house at night, when I can hear most of my favorite people breathing deep and heavy, reminding me how extremely blessed I am.

Day 7: I am thankful for medicine. We're a really healthy family, and if you know me, you know I am kind of against taking most medications. The most extreme it gets around our house is giving a dose of Tylenol if a fever gets over 102. Otherwise, we're lucky that we can usually let our bodies heal themselves. I realize that not everyone is that lucky. Today Will saw our family doctor for the first time. She is hopefully going to take him on as a patient. Hospice is great for his [end-of-life] care, but I am hoping she will be his [let's-live-the-life-we-have] care. He has been really fussy lately, and though it could be a barrage of different things, she treated him for an ear infection. If a simple dose of amoxicillin will take away his pain than I am so thankful for this medicine. [Plus the Morphine and Lorazepam on hand in our house right now that we are hoping not to have to use.] Lots of extra prayers to those who have to take medications. I am thankful that we have these life-saving and comfort care medicines, as I know it is a luxury that many cannot attain.

Day 8: I am thankful for the beautiful weather. Today after school we headed out to play in the leaves and soak up the sun. We spent the afternoon raking and a little bit of exercise felt oh-so-good since most of our day is spent inside lately. The girls had such a blast jumping and throwing leaves and life seemed so complete playing with all 4 kiddos in the beautiful sunshine. Especially thankful as I think about how my school each year takes a day to rake leaves for the elderly and help them prepare their homes for winter. It is not an easy job, so it feels good to know that so many of our youth step in and help those who wish they had the physical strength to do it themselves.

Day 9: I am thankful for theatre. Today I picked up the girls from school and took them to see the musical, "Bring It On" at my school. Though it took a lot of planning and prep work to get Will out of the house, calm and comfortable...it was so worth it. It felt like a little bit of normal today. The girls had a great time and it was a relief to do something for them today since things have been all about Will lately.

Day 12: I am thankful for strong, inspiring mamas. Tonight I met my friend Barb for a much needed drink and hour out of the house. She is on leave right now as well, home with her daughter who requires a little extra TLC like Will, so she has been a bright spot on rough days. I am so thankful to be able to journey alongside someone who understands the struggles, yet stays faith-filled, positive and mentally strong, even on the hard days.

Day 13: I am thankful for play dates. The big girls both had play dates with friends today which allowed us a little time to spoil Norah while they were gone. Mark loved getting his boy-time in with Will, so I had some much needed one-on-one time with my sweet 5 yr old who is growing up way too fast. We played babies, of course. :)

Day 14: I am thankful for honesty. Today Will had a chest xray done. We had been debating whether or not it was worth it to put him through the stress of it, if it didn't change the course of treatment. However, our doctor answers our questions openly and honestly and she simply stated that if it was her child, she would do it. She doesn't see labels or diagnoses, she see's Will and treats him as she would treat her own child. I'm so thankful for her guidance today. I feel like many doctors have tip-toed around our feelings and tried to sugar coat things, when sometimes all you need is a simple [problem-solution] scenario. The bedside manner is great at times, but today I am thankful that she knows us well enough to realize we really just needed her to tell it like it is.

Day 16: I am thankful for Hospice. Today was scary, so it was nice to have a little adult interaction and reassurance today when Will's nurse stopped by. 8 hours seems like a long time when you are alone with a baby in respiratory distress. Will struggled to breathe so most of the day was spent trying to keep him sleeping and comfortable. Plus, today was our day to meet with the social worker [an appt that I know is necessary, but I would rather not have] so it was nice that they were both there at the same time to relay the same information.

Day 17: I am thankful for God's mercy. We knew this day would come, and we feared how it would play out, but today Will took his last breath. I was scared that we would wake up and find that he had passed away in his sleep, but God's mercy allowed him to take his last breath wrapped in our arms, knowing that he wasn't alone and that he was surrounded in warmth and love. As much as I hate saying good-bye, I am thankful for that precious gift today and always.

Day 18: I am thankful for Grace's basketball team. The girls have such great friends to support them and tonight was just one more example of the amazing people that surround us. Her team made #WillPower warm up shirts to wear over their jerseys at tonight's game. Since she didn't make the game, as soon as I showed her the text, she immediately started crying. She better understood how her tears of loss are really tears of love...we could feel her whole team and their families grieving with us tonight.

Day 19: I am thankful for celebrations. Tonight we used all of our #willpower and dug deep to find joy as we celebrated with my cousin at her wedding. My role tonight was simple -- keep the hors d'oeuvres filled and cut and serve the cake. It felt good to serve those who I know have been serving us the past few months. I was truly happy for Kati and Jason as they start their life as a married couple, and it was a solid reminder that even on the darkest of days, there is joy to be found.

Day 20: I am thankful for photography. We were so blessed that our friend Jill was able to help us get family pictures taken with Will. He was not an easy subject to shoot, so her expertise and patience were so appreciated. I made a slideshow of some of his pictures as I already ache to see his face, and smell him, and touch him, so it is the closest thing I have to being able to be with him again. There is no doubt it was healing for me and I am thankful that we have so many pictures and memories with him to look back on.

Day 21: I am thankful for hot showers. Though I feel a bit guilty about my lack of water conservation lately, the shower is my new place to escape. It's a place where tears morph with the water, questions don't need answers, my brain can shut off for a while. When I lived in Costa Rica, my host family had a shower that consisted of a hose shoved through a hole in the wall. It was actually painful to shower as the water was so cold it felt like little knives stabbing your body, so I try to remind myself not to take for granted this warm oasis where I can escape for a bit.

Day 22: I am thankful for priests. When Will passed away Fr. Vu came over to the house to see the girls and help us plan for his funeral. He basically told us he would take care of everything and not to worry. I couldn't even muster up an argument to that as my OCD was no match for my heartache. After his funeral and burial, I could not imagine a more beautiful way to celebrate Will's life. He planned it all so perfectly. His homily spoke straight to my heart. The music sounded like Heaven on Earth. We were so thankful that Fr. Vu stepped in and took such good care of us all.

Day 23: I am thankful for the people at UIHC. Weeks ago, the palliative care team at UIHC helped us prepare so that we could handle whatever came our way. They have helped many down this path before, so they knew what our needs would be long before we did. At our last ultrasound they provided us with a sound battery to record Will's heartbeat, so that no matter the outcome, we would always have a piece of his heart. Today, we traveled to Build-a-Bear and put his heartbeat into a stuffed animal. I had bought a onesie for Will to wear for his first Thanksgiving that he never got a chance to wear, so we put his heartbeat into a bear and dressed the bear in Will's onesie that reads, "Thankful for ME." Words couldn't be any truer. Anytime we need to hear Will we can squeeze his bear and feel him close by. Our team also sent a card in which they had all written beautiful messages, my favorite reminded us that we gave him a "lifetime of pure love." I love the thought of that. An entire life. Pure love. How beautiful is that?!

Day 24: I am thankful for family. Today we celebrated Thanksgiving with my family and it was low-key, relaxing and everything I needed. It wasn't our usual games / drinks / fun, but it felt good to spend the day surrounded by people who knew and loved Will as much as we did, so they didn't need to understand where we were coming from, because they were right there with us.

Day 25: Today I am thankful for our rocking chair. For the record, I hate this chair. It hits my body just wrong and I find it quite ugly. However, it is Mark's favorite, and now it holds such sentimental value to me that I can't help but be thankful for it. It has rocked all 4 of our children. I have spent nights sleeping in it, rocking colicky babies, and now watch the girls rock their dolls in it. Today I spent the afternoon cuddled up in it wrapped in Will's blanket. It feels like such a safe place and sitting in it I felt like I was invisible for a bit and could just take in the hustle and bustle of the house around me. Though the rest of the world doesn't stop, I feel like my world stops for a bit when I'm in it and allows me to take a deep breath.

Day 26: I am thankful for Mark. Okay, I know I said I wouldn't write about the obvious, but he's kind of super human. Today we took the crib down. I couldn't do it. It was just too final. And he couldn't do it either. But he did it anyway. Because he knows that's the only way to help us heal. My heart explodes for this man as I feel like few people can mold "for better or worse" into one. He makes all the 'worsts' better. I cannot imagine much worse than being the sole pallbearer at your child's funeral. Yet all the love in the world was wrapped up in that man as he carried his precious boy out of the church. I keep reminding myself to be thankful that we had the chance to put the crib up, but I think today I'm more thankful that Will had the chance to know Mark's love, so I'm breaking the rules and giving thanks for my husband today.

Day 27: Today I am thankful for mail. I think the beauty of a well-written card, letter, or note is under-rated. Words are powerful, and though there is a time and place for 140 characters or less, I think social media is cheapening the way we communicate with each other. Today we spent the day writing thank-you letters. It was a looong day as we started at 7:30 in the morning and finally at 4 decided we should put them away for a little while as our hands ached, but it just attests to how many lives our sweet boy touched. It was healing for us. Plus, I love getting mail, so it was nice to think that perhaps the mail we were sending would bring a smile to its recipient.

Day 28: Today I am thankful for retail therapy. I am an online shopper. It's quick, convenient and often times cheaper. However, I didn't realize until today how much I enjoy the social aspect of shopping. I got to spend the day with my sister walking through stores, shopping for her girls, and catching up. It was everyone's first day back to work and school, so our house was empty which made me extremely thankful to not be in it. Plus, my mom and I were twinning today, so I was thankful for the comic relief of these 2 fabulous ladies as they helped keep me busy and kept my mind from wandering.

Day 29: Today I am thankful for social media. Mindlessly scrolling social media lately has kept my hands busy when my brain can't take any more. I tried really hard to stay busy today. I met with my principal to start back to school, dropped off memorial money and devised a really cool plan for its use, spent time helping out at the community free clinic, wrapped a few presents...but all the distractions in the world couldn't get my mind around the fact that I came home to a house without children in it. The school days are longer than I remember. But as I went to get on social media today, my friends blog popped up out of nowhere, so I followed it. As luck would have it...it was exactly what I needed to hear today...talk about divine intervention. Her post read, "when nights are filled with loneliness and your days are dark with discouragement, when you can't seem to read or pray or do anything else, just sit still and let God love you." So I sat still and cried. And it felt great.

Day 30: Today I am thankful for sisters. Thankful that I have them, and thankful that my daughters have them. Though they fight now, I am hopeful that one day they will look back -- as my sisters and I now do -- and laugh at all the stupid things they did together or the times they "pulled a fast one" on their parents. They motivate me when I need it, cut me a break when they know I've got nothing left, and challenge me to be a better person. Today they sent me permission to eat a whole box of donuts. Some days they know me a little too well.