Christmas is non-existent on the blog this year, and today is the day that it needs to be remedied. I know that the holidays are hard for people who have lost someone dear - I understand this better than ever this year - but I want to make sure that it is not a year that goes undocumented on the blog. The month of December has more blog posts entitled DNP (do not publish) than any month. Leading up to Christmas I had a lot of anger and confusion. Losing Will didn't challenge my faith in God so much as it challenged my faith in people. I have learned so much about relationships through losing Will, and from all of the things that I have read to help us through our grief, I think this fits my grief the best.
"You may never know who your true friends are until life throws you an unwelcome curve-ball. When this happens and the friends or family you thought would help carry you through don't, you go through stages of grief. It's devastating. As time passes, you can either be resentful, bitter and heartbroken, or you can be so incredibly thankful that you've learned a valuable life lesson."
Right before Christmas I had Mark read my DNP posts and he agreed that he felt much the same. I was shocked by this as, unlike me, he didn't harbor any bitter feelings about it or let it bother him. He helped me realize that some people never have the luxury of learning who they can truly trust and lean on and now we know. He helped me shift my heart and head in how I view my relationships so that I can truly appreciate those relationships for what they are, whether it be a true relationship or a lifestyle relationship, they all have value. He helped me realize that I was letting a few people overshadow the hundreds of loving and caring people that bent over backward to make sure that we had everything we needed to best care for Will.
This confession during Advent brought such healing and allowed me to enter into Christmas with a much lighter heart. Though Will's absence at Christmas left us wanting more, it did not overtake the beauty of the celebration or its importance. As a parent I try really hard to make sure my actions are such that would make the girls proud, as they see my every move. Will, however, can see my heart, so I must work even harder now to make him proud. I'm so thankful to have Mark by my side to remind me of this, and so thankful that he helped me see this before entering into Christmas so I could set down my bitterness and find peace. Though Christmas took a little extra effort this year, we all were able to find joy.
Though the dinner table still feels wrong with an empty chair, the mantle felt complete this year. The girls had fun filling Will's stocking with their favorite memories of 2016. It was a great way to allow us to remember him and also give everyone the freedom to grieve as much or as little as they needed. I can't wait to read them all next year at Christmas and add to it each year. I love that we have a new tradition that, (1) began when we became a family of 6, (2) will always include Will, and (3) will ensure that his stocking is full at Christmas just like the others.
