WillPower

This week I headed back to work. The girls and I both have such amazing school communities, there is no doubt that because of their love and support we were able to keep our focus on Will while he was here and get on the path to healing much faster since he has been gone. However, the return to work didn't come without difficulty. As much as I was ready to get back to the routine, it is another transition, and lately even the smallest of transitions have been hard. They seem like one step further from our life with Will. I know now that waiting for the first semester to end and having a fresh start at school was for the best. However, I think my delay in return has increased my sensitivity to many things. Questions like, "it was expected, right?!" I find very difficult to answer. Is that supposed to make burying your child easier? 

Going to Mass is hard for me so starting back to school and having Mass the first day I knew would be rough, but mind over matter, I thought I could tackle it. As soon as the choir started singing, a bitter-sweet feeling washed over me. As much as I tried not to, the tears streamed down my face. Not because I'm angry at God. I'm not questioning the afterlife. I'm not wavering in my faith. Nothing hardly that profound. But, because the last time I went to school Mass, Will was with me. The last time I heard my students singing, we were at his funeral. For the first time in my life we celebrated the solemnity of Mary and I actually felt like I understood her. Not because I can relate to her pain (because I can't even begin to understand it) but because for so many months I had prayed for her guidance. It was all so overwhelming.

Though Tuesday was rough for me, Wednesday was rough for the girls. They were so excited that their school added WillPower shirts to dress code on Wednesday, they couldn't wait to wear them. However, it must have stirred up some emotions in them as after school, I found Norah sitting in Will's room crying holding his picture. Then before bed Emma told me she started crying on the playground at school that day. No reason, she just felt so sad. Grace continued the streak as she cried before bed telling us how her friends kept asking her if she was okay and she didn't want to cry at school so she just ignored them, but felt so bad about it. It was such an awesome tribute to Will, yet stirred up so many emotions in them.

Thursday got the best of me again. Darn music. While I was running Adele's "Someone Like You" came on. How can a song about a break up do me in, you ask?! ---

"I wish nothing but the best for you. Don't forget me, I beg. I remember you said, sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead." ---sure does. 

Grief is such a funny thing. One minute you think you're fine, you're laughing with your kids, listening to how their days were while unpacking backpacks and then you find gems like these that bring it all to the surface again...

Three wishes:

1. I wish that William Richmond didn't pass away because I love him. 

me too, baby girl. me too.

Week 1 of the new year is behind us, and we tackled it with as much grace as we could. Bring it on, week 2. We're ready for whatever you throw our way.